Parenting Adult Children: Finding Your Place as Families Change
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The changing relationship between parents and adult children is one of the quieter emotional adjustments of healthy aging. And it deserves more attention.
Where Do Parents Fit in Their Adult Children’s Lives?
Where do I fit now?
It’s a question many parents begin asking when their adult children marry, start families, establish traditions, and build lives of their own.
Thanksgiving is suddenly somewhere else. Christmas morning has a different schedule. And nobody has asked about Grandma’s dressing!
You understand. Really, you do.
But sometimes your heart needs a little time to catch up.
How Your Role Changes When Children Become Adults
We spend decades raising children to become capable, independent adults.
Then they do exactly that!
And sometimes we’re surprised by how much adjustment it requires of us.
During the Expansive Years, what I call the first season of Chapter 3, many of us experience a shift in family roles.
We’re no longer necessarily organizing every holiday, making every decision, or serving as the center of family activity.
Our children have partners, in-laws, careers, children, and responsibilities of their own.
Their worlds are expanding.
And we’re learning how to be part of those expanding worlds.
Our role is changing. Our value isn’t.
Why Relationships With Adult Children Change
Researchers have studied how relationships between parents and adult children evolve.
A 2024 Pew Research Center study found that 69% of young adults ages 18 to 34 felt their parents were about as involved in their lives as they wanted. Another 22% actually wanted more involvement.
That’s encouraging!
A longitudinal study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that family bonds can remain stable as children progress through adulthood. Regular contact also plays an important role in maintaining those relationships.
Other research shows that marriage and parenthood can change how adult children exchange emotional and practical support with their parents.
In other words, the family relationship isn’t necessarily weakening.
It’s reorganizing.
And reorganizing can feel uncomfortable, even when everyone loves one another.
When the First Adult Child Marries and Starts a Family
Here’s something I’ve observed over nearly 20 years of navigating these changes.
The first adult child to marry or establish a family of their own can feel like the pioneer, carving a path none of us has traveled before.
Suddenly there are new people, new loyalties, new schedules, and different expectations.
The first time holiday plans change, we may take it personally.
By the time another child establishes a family, we’ve often had some practice.
We’ve learned that a different Thanksgiving arrangement doesn’t necessarily mean rejection.
We’ve discovered that love isn’t measured by who hosts Christmas dinner.
And we’ve become more comfortable sharing the family stage.
Of course, every family is different. Sometimes later transitions bring their own challenges.
But for me, experience has been a wonderful teacher.
How Marriage Changes Family Holiday Traditions
Nearly 18 years ago, one of my sons had been married for only about six months. He and his beautiful new wife, both in their twenties, came to Colorado to spend their first Christmas as a married couple with us.
They were navigating a whole new chapter of family life.
I remember how difficult that Christmas was for my new daughter-in-law.
For the first time in her life, she wasn’t spending Christmas with her own family.
There were tears. Especially on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
And my heart ached for her.
It was difficult for my son, too. He was trying to navigate the feelings and expectations that come when two families become connected through marriage.
There we were, celebrating Christmas together, yet experiencing that holiday in very different ways.
I’ve never forgotten it.
Making room for a new family doesn’t mean we stop missing the one we’ve always known.
Over the years, our holiday arrangements have continued to evolve. More Christmases have been spent with her family than with ours.
And that’s okay.
Nearly two decades later, I understand something much more clearly.
The goal isn’t to divide the holidays equally. It’s to keep the relationships strong.
Because sometimes loving our growing families means recognizing that another person’s traditions, attachments, and feelings matter just as much as our own.
Parenting an Only Adult Child: Navigating Changing Family Roles
This adjustment may feel particularly significant when you have one child.
There may be no other adult children with whom to share family gatherings or traditions.
And when that child marries or builds a family, the changes can feel especially personal.
Some mothers of sons describe feeling that they’ve lost their place when their son becomes part of another family.
But a son building a life with someone he loves isn’t necessarily a son pulling away from his parents.
His responsibilities and relationships are expanding.
And the same can be true for daughters.
The challenge is learning how to maintain closeness without making our adult children responsible for preserving every part of our former family life.
We can miss the way things were while making room for what they’re becoming.
5 Ways to Maintain Strong Relationships With Adult Children
1. Pause Before Reacting
When plans change and you feel that little emotional pinch, ask yourself:
Am I actually being excluded? Or am I disappointed because things are different?
Those aren’t always the same thing.
Recognizing the difference can prevent unnecessary hurt and tension.
2. Ask. Don’t Assume.
Holiday plans get tricky as adult children build families of their own, blended or or otherwise.
Rather than assuming everyone will gather at your house, begin with curiosity.
“Is Thanksgiving on y’all’s radar yet? I’d love to hear your thoughts when you know more.”
Open the conversation. Leave expectations at the door.
3. Make Room for Other Families
Your adult child’s partner brings their own memories, traditions, and people they love.
Just as you do.
No family has exclusive ownership of the holidays.
Finding ways to honor different traditions can strengthen relationships across generations.
4. Find Your New Place
You don’t have to organize every celebration to be an important part of it.
Share your ideas and traditions.
Sometimes you’ll lead, sometimes collaborate, and sometimes simply enjoy!
And there’s something rather wonderful about sitting back and watching the next generation create its own memories.
5. Choose Your Hills
Not every difference is a hill worth dying on.
Before reacting, ask yourself:
Will this matter a year from now?
Is getting my way worth creating tension with someone I love?
Not every disappointment needs discussing. Sometimes we need perspective; other times, a private conversation.
Understanding matters more than winning.
The wisdom is learning the difference.
What I’ve Learned About Parenting Adult Children After 60
Pop and I are now in what I call the second season of Chapter 3, the Shifting Years.
And I can tell you that my perspective at 77 is different from what it was nearly 20 years ago.
We’ve experienced changing holidays, growing families, new traditions, and shifting responsibilities.
We’ve also learned that we don’t have to be included in every gathering to know we’re loved.
That wisdom didn’t arrive overnight.
It came through experience, reflection, and occasionally learning to keep my mouth shut!
Yes, even this former psychologist has had to practice what she knows.
And there’s something else I’ve discovered.
Our adult children are still growing, too.
They’re learning how to balance relationships, raise families, make decisions, and create traditions of their own.
Neither generation has all the answers.
We’re learning how to grow alongside one another.
How to Stay Close to Your Adult Children as You Age
One day, the adult children establishing new traditions today may watch their own children do the same.
That’s the changing rhythm of family life.
We can hold on to meaningful memories without insisting that every tradition remain unchanged.
We can offer our love without attaching expectations to it.
And we can discover that belonging doesn’t require us to remain in charge.
Perhaps one of the most important lessons of Chapter 3 is this:
Our children aren’t the only ones growing up. We are, too.
And that growing can continue for as long as we’re willing.
xoxo, ally
Frequently Asked Questions About Parents and Adult Children
Is it normal to feel left out when adult children start their own families?
Yes. Changes in holiday traditions, family responsibilities, and time together can create feelings of disappointment or uncertainty. Those feelings don’t automatically mean a relationship is damaged.
How can parents stay close to their adult children without interfering?
Maintain contact, express genuine interest, respect their independence, and communicate without assuming what their plans should be. Relationships benefit from effort on both sides.
Do relationships with sons and daughters change differently after marriage?
Some research identifies differences in closeness and contact between mothers, fathers, sons, and daughters. However, individual relationships vary widely. Gender alone doesn’t determine how close families remain.
What if changing family traditions genuinely hurt?
First, identify whether the hurt comes from an unmet expectation or an ongoing relationship problem. Some feelings benefit from time and perspective. Others deserve a respectful, private conversation.
Research and Further Reading
- Pew Research Center (2024). Parents, Young Adult Children and the Transition to Adulthood.
- Hwang and colleagues. Intergenerational Solidarity of Adult Children With Parents From Emerging to Established Adulthood. Journal of Family Psychology.
- Support Exchanges Between Adult Children and Their Parents Across Life Transitions. Journal of Marriage and Family.
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